I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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