Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
