it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
