Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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