okay pat passed out under dana's car
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
