I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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