there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
