I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
