she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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