good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
