i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I currently don't understand fingers.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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