I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
