What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
