So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
