No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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