I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
