Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
