If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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