I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you traded sex for a burrito?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
