8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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