I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
