Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I think your dad took our porno
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
