I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
