he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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