Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
