I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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