How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
