Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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