so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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