Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
