My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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