I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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