My first STD was from a foam party
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
