Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
