and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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