Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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