currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
