The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
BRING THE BAGELS
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize