Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize