and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
