Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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