puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
