i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
