I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
