He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
