he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
