He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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