I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
