I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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