I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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