I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
