U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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