I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
