the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Enjoy the penises
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
