God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
