2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
there's paper in my vomit.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
