birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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