take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
