I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
