If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
