this must be what syphilis tastes like
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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