saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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