Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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