Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
