Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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