My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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