I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize