Dude my mom stole all your condoms
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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