First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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